Monday, October 8, 2012

Abundant


"I have abundant patience and love for my children. I have abundant patience and love for my children."

I've been repeating the affirmation to myself as often as possible, as often as I think to, over the past couple of weeks. Sometimes it's with a gentle half-smile on my face as I watch them over the top of my knitting playing delightfully with each other. Usually, however, it's in a kind of high-pitched, manic imaginary voice, desperate and breathless, as they fight or scream or push the endless buttons. I HAVE ABUNDANT PATIENCE AND LOVE FOR MY CHILDREN. I DO I DO I DO.

But I don't. Becoming a parent has shown me the depths of my impatience. I know all the right things to do on an intellectual level, but in practice, in the heat of the moment, I've got nothing. If you don't count my screams. At the end of a run-of-the-mill tussle over a toy or a dress or a bike, they move on unscathed, forgetting the moment, but I'm left panting, a worn-out heap in the corner. I've never been good at conflict.

And what of the love business? I love my kids, yes, adore their tiny pink socks off at times, miss them heartily in the rare moments I'm away, go to sleep at night remembering all the funny things they said that day, whilst automatically, quite cleverly I think, erasing all memories of the horror. But nonetheless I had to add 'love' to the affirmation because while it might be a given in theory, in practice it is far more fleeting. It can leave the room in an instant, then waft back in, only to vanish again a moment later. I might love them because I just do (because we do, we just do), but I don't love everything about them and I don't always love being with them. I don't love doing playdough. I don't love reading the 305th book of the day.

I don't know how to reconcile all of the madness with all of the mush.  I don't know how to make sense of 'besotted' and 'crazy-angry' when they're lined up together on the shelf.

I do know that my kids are being kids. They're doing what comes naturally. And the thing that needs to change in this high-stress whirlwind isn't them.

Thus, I have abundant patience and love for my children.

15 comments:

  1. Greer all I can say is that you are not alone with your thoughts. Being a parent is a tough gig, patience is not always there when you need it sometimes and it's hard to deal with some of those moments, the ones that happen over and over again. We all have good days and bad days and all we can do is try and work on those things that bother us most about ourselves. I can tell you love your girls lots. I hope that tomorrow is a good day for all of you. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes yes and yes. I feel like you've read my mind with this post! I have 3 little ones aged 5 and under and there have been days lately when it all gets a bit much. At the end of the day it's your all consuming love for them that gets you through. I've just been for a walk out in the fresh air after they went to bed and I feel much better. I'm a positive person when it comes to parenting but i also think it's okay to admit
    it's hard sometimes. My nan told me the other day that this stage can be so tiring but it's over in the blink of an eye. Then you're longing for the days when they were little!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hear you. Motherhood is both wonderful and difficult. After Cohen was born I discovered a depth of love I didn't realise was possible. I eventually discovered depths of frustration that I hadn't experienced before either, that only your children seem able to plunge you in to.

    I'm hoping that children and knitting will teach me patience... :)

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Beautiful beautiful beautiful. Patience will come ..eventually! Well it kind of comes and goes but thats because we are human. LOVE your affirmations. Be kind to yourself. BIG HUGS XOOXOX

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is wonderful. I hear you! My two have been ill all weekend and lord, their clinginess and whining was draining beyond belief. I wanted them to get better quick, not so that they would get better, but to make my life less stressful! But when I look back, already I am remembering the cuddles, and all too soon they will not be so needy when they are ill, and I will miss it.

    Motherhood is bloody hard work. xx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Slow down for a few moments and breathe. Life puts a lot of pressure on you and those kids are probably feeling it. I don't doubt your love for them for a moment, it's times like these that we find out for sure that love means a lot more than a feeling...it's consistent actions.










    ReplyDelete
  7. Bless you, being a parent isn't easy! I'm not sure how old they are but they still look very young. I think this is where nature 'mucked up' a bit. They have bundles of energy, whereas ours can be a bit lacking, it really ought to be the other way around! I used to find whispering rather than shouting helped, they have to quiet down to hear you! Good luck Sweetheart, we know exactly how you feel! Ada :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh I have far too many days just like this. My older one can scream and carry on for an entire day and then sometimes it will stretch into the next day and so on. I am facing a tough decision right now of keeping her home with me more or sending her to school full time. Each time she does something nasty to her sister I say things to myself like, "see this is why you have to go to school...so I don't have to deal with this behavior." It's really a thought that I wish I didn't have...but it's natural and I realize that I just have to continue working on patience. It's not her, it's me so I just have to keep working on it. We'll all make it through this phase! I really admire your honesty, as mothers we are not alone!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I hear you Greer! Time away from them is always a salve for me... I realise now that i needed far more time away than I ever took when they were all preschoolers. You reminded me of the author of The Idle Parent, who said something along the lines of how swinging a child on the swings at the playground makes him wish someone would just kill him quickly! I laughed out loud because I feel the same! We need to be able to feel ok that there are some aspects of parenting that we are just not interested in, and we can still be awesome parents even if we hate playdough and if our children fighting makes us want to run to the hills. You are a supermamma x

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh Greer it is so lovely to read your beautiful blog and see your amazing creations!
    I can't but help have abundant love for your beautifully photographed children too! as for my own .. I love them dearly but even at 18, 17, 17 and 6, some days one or the other will still push every button they can find.
    I loved your Ian Rankin bookspine photo too, it reminded me how much I still find reading bloody murders and gruesome crime a relaxing pastime in those child-free moments. I'm not sure what that says about me and parenting. I do know that I need to put these books on the highest shelf now, since finding Molly sprawled happily on her bed the other day reading Chapter 3 of Michael Carr-Gregg's "Princess Bitchface". Big hugs xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  11. I love your affirmation Greer. I'm thinking it might also work when dealing with the bigger family members that require patience as well!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I love this post Greer. I have days where I just love being a stay at home mum and then other days I tell myself I must be crazy to have left my career! Then little things happen that make me think I would'nt miss this for the world (sometimes). Elaina xo

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh Greer I so understand where you are coming from. I often have exactly the same crazy thoughts going on in my head. I so dearly love my kids, but it is one of toughest challenging jobs in the world & it's relenting - 24/7. I love your affirmation...will have to use that one & repeat to myself! That's the beauty of blogging world, we as mums realise our lives & children are normal!:) Nx

    ReplyDelete
  14. I missed this post and I remember this feeling. I have no idea how we reconcile these things. Our kids can drive us nuts and yet our love knows no bounds. It is an exhausting whirlwind at times, but oh the giddy joys. And although it's a cliché they do grow up so very fast!

    ReplyDelete
  15. A friend & I were discussing your blog today and she commented that this post was her thoughts exactly! Mine too and by the looks of all the comments above, somedays, it's a universal Mama-thing. Hopefully it brings comfort to you at 5pm each evening to know at least most of us are all going through a similar.... abundance :) "This too shall pass" are good words to mutter under your breath at these times. xxbriony

    ReplyDelete

I love comments. Thanks for yours!

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...